I am woman ....
from Mike Carlton ....
Sometimes the news rushes in so quickly from here, there and everywhere that I compact it all into one dense but manageable chunk. Everything you need to know in a single headline: MILEY CYRUS BANNED FROM ESSENDON, WEIGHS GAY OPTIONS FOR SYRIA AIR STRIKE.
Anything to escape the brain-frying tedium of this election campaign as it limps into its last week.
Nice Joe Hockey and grumpy Andrew Robb announced their $31.6 billion worth of Coalition "savings" on Tuesday but, if you believe them, hey, say hello to the fairies at the bottom of your garden.
When the Tories get in, they will slash and burn as they always do, on the ancient pretext that - shock, horror - the Labor "black hole" is far, far worse than even they had expected.
Tim Colebatch, economics editor of The Age, reminded us this week that John Howard said he would cut 2,500 public servants, then axed 30,000. Campbell Newman in Queensland promised no government job losses at all then cut 14,000, many in health and hospitals.
Expect the ABC to be first on the chopping block for more "savings". Tony Abbott can't sell it off, as some of your madder right-wing drones are demanding; there'd be rioting in the streets. But there'll be a savage funding cut, partly as punishment for what the Tories idiotically perceive as the ABC's Marxist Agitprop, partly as a big reward for Rupert Murdoch's manic Coalition propaganda this election.
To borrow a line from the great John Cleese, you wouldn't trust Abbott on this any further than you could throw a wet mattress up a spiral staircase.
But away with this negativity. Thinking positive, I've scripted a TV commercial for the Liberals.
The scene is a sunny patio overlooking Sydney Harbour, where a blonde and attractive, 30-something mum relaxes by a sparkling pool:
Mum: Thank you, Tony Abbott. Your paid parental leave scheme will give us $75,000 to have our next baby.
It'll make a world of difference for our family.
First, it means I can take time off from the law firm while Nigel keeps working at Macquarie Bank.
But best of all it helps out with the little things.
We can still afford to send Fiona on the school ski excursion with her class at Ascham. Nigel can update to the new Range Rover Vogue as we'd planned.
It means those Italian marble bench tops and German appliances for the dream kitchen we're about to build.
And we can keep employing Fatima, our wonderful Lebanese cleaning lady.
So thanks again, Mr Abbott. When I deliver, we know you'll deliver. $75,000.
It's why we're voting Liberal next Saturday.