an open letter to the american republicans
You're a bunch of wackoes... No-no, my apologies I mean a bunch of whimps... Your latest failed stint against Obamacare and your obvious lack of organized leadership show you are loosing ground. No-one knows who's leading your Grand Old Party. Is it Boehner, Cruz, Rush Limbaugh or the Tea Party chief fantasist Sarah Palin?
Make up your mind... Actually, you don't have to... I have a proposal for you that should help you instantly. It is clear that your leadership is a bit brain dead but not demented enough. I have the perfect solution to envigorate your old GOP.
Why don't you make an offer, preferably substantial (see end of letter), and we sell you the bargain of the century: Tony Abbott!
Not interested? Hey, with him as the head shit-kicker, as the unthinking man, as superprick, a proficient liar, extreme porkyist and giganormous apologist with catholic redemption to boot, this idiot is a great front-MAN (with a front bulging budgie smuggler pack that attracts the sheilas like bees to honey). Tony is actually better and further to the right than George W Bush junior. You think that's impossible? Try again... Like junior, Tony has the ability to be populist while talking crap, but much better than that. Excellent hey?
Still not interested?...
Look, in the package we've also thrown in Mr Murdoch... Ah, what? You already have him?... Yes sure, but the KEY is the combination of Tony Abbott and Uncle Rupe. That's the killer... You will NEVER EVER find a better combo to lead your soggy troops to victory.
Look, we'll give you a three months trial with NO return, please. Thrown him in the bins with the other wackos if he does not work out and we'll refund 50 per cent of the outlay. But Uncle Gus enterprises Inc. can assure you a five year verbal warranty that Tony is more than excellent. He's the top of the heap at selling crap.
So what do you say?...
Gus' bank account details are as follows: $12 million dollar in a brown paper bag sent to the headquarters of this site should seal the deal. Bugger, I don't know were we live... Send the money to the Climate Council instead... I can deal with that.