angels with snouts...
ALL IS FORGIVEN TONY...
Dear Tony, I must apologise for having misunderstood you and your mates... Yes, you were right. That lying bitch Julia deserved to be shut down.
You know, like all of us know, that her only lie of course, was saying "the country I lead won't have a carbon tax"... And as you would, and most of us did, you trusted her to such extend you refused to sell your arse to make a deal with the independents. Very commendable and honourable occasion. Please give yourself a knighthood now. You deserve one — a big one at that...
And we all know that Julia tried to disguise a "carbon tax" behind the veil of a carbon pricing... The tart. Everyone knows that a carbon pricing is not a carbon tax as you would, but a thinly disguised ETS that you and us would not have taken lying down anyway. Really this country could not afford to cut its emissions of CrapO2 without plunging into the deepest economic coal-mining crisis. Let's say here that your brilliant solution — the "direct action" — to a problem that does not exist, is so much more entertaining. It's like farting in a bath-tub, while splashing the wife's Channel Number 5 on the walls.
So we all got duped by the red-headed woman.
This is why you had to simplify the whole commentariatisationingofonelinegrabbers to just "kill the carbon tax". a four-word enlightening slogan that explained the red-headed woman's sin...
And of course, the budgets delivered by Swan stank of socialism: The rich had to pay their fair share, while those bumbling idiots at the bottom of the social scale should never have been given social help to lift their head out of the stinking water of the street gutters. This misdirected effort was sending the country broke, since as you know, most of the rich could barely afford accountants and lawyers, so they would pay less of their fair share, the good lads. They had to reluctantly do this unfortunate side-kick amongst their other fiddles, otherwise the trickle-effect of economic rationalisation would have come to a halt. And we did not want that, did we? The whole economy would have gone down the gurgler.
Which to say the least it went down there anyway. Turning a 40 billion surplus into a 200 billion + deficit stinks of mismanagement. And as you know, and we all know, the Global Financial Crisis was a big furphy. If you don't know yet Tony, let me explain. Some European countries had made some bad investments on advice from US rating agencies and the poor US banking system went a-crashing like you would not believe... Those nasty Europeans!... Lucky, ten of thousands Americans had their precious money stored in the secured vaults of the Swiss banking industry and all the central banks of the world went on overdrive printing cash at the speed of knots. Say "warp speed" to be more accurate... But not the Aussie Labor government, the twerps, which decided to help the people instead of the banks. The clods. They never understood that banks are the pillars of economies...
But let's not being distracted by this side issue which also tells us that the Swiss banking industry dutifully helped the US investors fill their tax return with extra minimisation. "Anyone who does not minimise their tax should have their head examined" as my illustrious friend, Mr Packer, used to say under oath. We all do it.
Nuts... I digress. Let's go back to giving you the laurels you deserve, Tony.
Anyway, you had no option but to wage a pure ethically distilled campaign based on truth-telling of reluctant delivery of deceit and three-words slogans headed by "kill the carbon tax" (bugger! that's four words again...) or such. As the campaign was heating up and some people accused you of wanting to destroy a few useless toys in the play-ground, you stood firm and with a truthful hand on your truthful heart you said with an amazing generously true spirit that you would never touch education, health, NDIS, pensions, the ABC and SBS... Everything was secured, except this rotten NBN, which was sending us broke by at least half of the country's accruing deficit. Who wants to communicate at high speed anyway? No-one I hear you say and you are right again. My hat to you for knowing that.
Thus the inventor of the internet was approached to sort things out. Malcolm Turnbull went through the books and saw that the costing was crook. Actually, there was no costing, thus Turnbull, in the wisdom of a great internet inventor, had to reduce the cost. All good. He had to go technical and he precisely recalled the invention of the steam engine and Mr Watt's definition of a horse power which was basically a nifty formula based on the amount of oats to be given to a horse lifting a 150 pound water bucket from a deep well by spinning around a winch for five hours. It's the same with electronics.
Meanwhile you had to show to this nation of sadists, who was the best and most efficient sadistic person to lead this country in pushing back the unwashed hordes of asylum seekers. Some of us, sadists, think these seekers come here to take our jobs — which some of us have just lost yesterday or are about to tomorrow, (or are working at Channel Ten) but that's beside the point. In fact, the majority of us, sadists, think these seekers are not job seekers at all. They're trying to join the secret ranks of bludgers, living close to Melbourne's Masjids... Wink wink say no more....
It's the 22nd of May at 9:22 in Sydney... It's a balmy 22 degrees C. It's 4 degrees C above average for this time of day and year — and the amount above for this entire month alone so far. But please do not let your unwavering conviction be rattled. Scientists say that the month of May 2014 is only the 403rd or so month, non stop in a row, to be above average temperatures. These idiots of the slide rule tell you, these are odds in a billion's billion... But really, you are a gambling man and the month of April was only 0.75 above average, soooooo close to being below. So, take that, you, the scientists of global warming doom.
Here we go again, as I become more and more insane by the minute — I stopped trying to understand this insane world a long time ago — I must admit here that you have showed us the way to make sure our lives are neat and tidy without the worries of money since we will have less of it, in a place where imagination has nothing to displace.
Hey? What's the point of driving our little cars towards death, while not hoping there is something like a bright light on the other side of the wall? That would be nihilistic. No. It is far better to believe there are people waiting for us on the other side... People in various state of agitation waiting impatiently for us to turn up because we shafted them before, in real life — and they are angry, with sticks in their hands.
But they are soon all forgiving under the instructions of the big guy in the sky, except those we meet in hell, our rightful place.
In the beginning, I was going to say: "fuck you Tony" but I soon realise the wrongs of my ways. It's us. We deserve to be fucked. We actually deserve to be raped... or worse, we deserved to be ignored.
A bit like the disabled people who have lost their representative voice in Canberra. You have duly as you should removed the position of "disabled commissioner" in order to save three candle sticks as a priority. Good for you... and to say the least a "commissioner of disability" would have meant having to deal with trouble — like having ramps instead of stairways going to heaven.
So all the NUMEROUS false promises (more than 25 lies) you made before the elections, like a false prophet, were the only truthful pathway you could access to the lodge and to remove the red-headed woman. In a few short weeks thereafter, you showed us the right way to shift the centre of this country's happiness. Before the election, all of Australia was happy except Sydney's North Shore. Now The North Shore is ecstatic and the rest of Australia is feeling crappy as it should. Well done. Bravo. Bravissimo!
Of course, your Uncle Rupe made sure the redheaded woman would be gone before you properly locked horns with her on the understanding that one does not fight with a woman. It would have appeared somewhat misogynistic. So Uncle rupe worked his arse off to replace her with a reheated male challenger.
See Uncle Rupe kept fermenting dissent in the Labor (the bad commies) camp. He sold his confusionistic wisdom — in his media outlets, via a super-gang of dedicated shit-spruikers — on how the old pompous Labor men were far better than the red-headed atheist.
Thus, as you would expect, Labor shot itself in the foot (not the first time) and even the young guns like Bill Shorten went along for the flip-ride... Really! Yep! The cad. He must have known that Labor was on the ropes anyway and that the red-headed woman was not going to win against a righteous truthful ethical Abbott. Thus he supported Old Floppy, the former silvery leader in the cloud, next to god. So in a heart-felt swoop, Bill got rid of the red-headed woman, knowing that he could be next in line for the job. It's the way to climb encumbered stairs. You push down those in front of you.
Eventually as one would expect in this ancient game of Push n' Shove, Uncle Rupe ratted on the old men and started to show them for what they were: smelly old farts who would retire soon after the elections. Game well played. Bravo!...
We are not worthy of your wisdom and magnanimity, oh great Abbottus Anthoninus... We certainly know that "money does not bring happiness". We also know all the super-rich dudes in the world are super-sad. I am bleeding for them, flagellating myself towards happiness daily, though I have still no idea about this insane world in which we live. I hope you can enlighten us with suppositories.
I humbly salute you.
You local Bullshit expert.
Note: I know it's only the 21st of May but I felt compelled by the number 22 as in Catch 22...