From Ms Albretchsen

INCREASINGLY, the road to Copenhagen resembles a suburban street on Halloween with the number of climate change freak shows and stunts reaching a nadir in recent weeks. Nicholas Stern says we should turn vegetarian in order to combat climate change. If you must eat meat, eat kangaroos, says Ross Garnaut, because marsupials emit negligible amounts of methane. And that champagne you drank on Melbourne Cup day? Scientists scolded us with a report that a 750ml bottle of bubbly could produce 100 million bubbles, releasing five litres of carbon dioxide.

Yet far from rallying people to the cause of immediate action on climate change, every new cri de coeur may be turning people away. Could it be that those derided as the great unwashed are beginning to ask more questions than their smart political leaders or the bastions of intellectual curiosity in the media?

Late last month, activists gathered at Sydney Opera House to listen to Sydney mayor Clover Moore announce that “the time for talk is past”.

“Already we know that this building, our Opera House, for decades a symbol of optimism and the human spirit, is under threat from global warming,” she says.

The Opera House under threat? That would be from rising sea levels, right? Just like the small island nation of Maldives where, last month, the president conducted a cabinet meeting underwater to remind the world that his country would be rendered uninhabitable by rising sea levels. Kitted out in full scuba-diving outfits, Mohamed Nasheed and his ministers sat at a table underwater off the coast of the capital of Male.
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Fact number 1: During the past 2000 years, sea levels have fluctuated with 5 peaks reaching 0.6m to 1.2m above present sea level. Fact number 2: From 1790 to 1970 sea levels were about 20cm higher than today. Fact number 3: In the 1970s, the sea level fell by about 20cm to its present level. Fact number 4: Sea levels have remained constant for the past 30 years “implying that there are no traces of any alarming ongoing sea level rise”. Fact number 5 (and I am paraphrasing here): The notion presented by the President of the Maldives that his country will be flooded is bunkum.

Yet, last week a federal parliamentary report told Australians to make plans to evacuate if we live on the coast. Warning that the “time to act is now”, the bipartisan report said the 711,000 addresses within 3km of the Australian coast - and less than 6m above sea level - face threats from rising sea levels. The report called for an inquiry by the Productivity Commission to examine the need for bans on homes within these areas.

Viewers of the 7pm News on ABC1 were told by a Richard Branson lookalike - complete with longish wavy grey hair, beard and crisp white shirt - that the township of Byron Bay would be completely flooded by rising sea levels. His expertise? He is a resident of Byron Bay.

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Maurice Newman, who was chairman of the federal government’s Y2K committee told The Australian last week that “in pressing the urgency for compliance, the committee members relied heavily on confirmatory bias. Most of this came from so-called experts who had much to gain from creating a sense of alarm. The consequence of widespread inaction was claimed to result in chaos and systemic failure. As there was no alternative authoritative voice, this became perceived wisdom and was certainly believed by the committee. As such the Y2K phenomenon took on a life of its own.”

Deja vu?

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Gus: here in her "facticious" column, the other queen of dis-mis-information (Miranda is still "numera una") pushes several barrows of slop pumped from a blocked dunny, in a rainstorm after a cluster of diarrhoea...

For years, I have more or less left Janet Albrechtsen in her little cosy cosmic corner at the Murdoch press and as a member of the Board of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, but her windmillery is now getting more ludicrous than ever, in the ill-wind of her furphies.

I do not know who this "Maurice Newman" is, and I should... yet I know genuine technicians who worked tirelessly fixing Y2K problem (not a bug) on many small computing devices around the world — such as those operating lifts, machinery and other control systems, including major electricity switching devices... They did not do it because of the money (they were paid nonetheless), but they worked tirelessly because these computer whiz knew there could be a problem, especially if Ms Janet Albrechtsen got stuck in a lift at midnight December 31 1999. On many old, but well-tuned, operational systems (some fully automated factory still run on old 386 PCs), there was a 50 per cent chance (tested) that there could be a complete shut down (tested). Not all mother-boards were the same and some may have bypassed the problem (tested), while others could not (tested). In the end, THERE WERE a few shut downs due to the Y2K problem, as some people had taken the risk not to fix anything. On ordinary PC, the problem was not obvious, as some clocks passed the 00 without problem while others turned the clock back to 01 (1901). Some jammed and are frozen from that day onwards. That "the Y2K phenomenon took a life of its own" does not mean it was a hoax. Many problems were averted by people working "around the clock" so to speak to fix problems (big and small) where they could occur...

But even so — the Y2K has nothing to do with global warming... although it sounds erudite to put them in the same bag...
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Thus I believe (misconstruedly, I guess) that Ms Albrechtsen gets all her volitional viewpoints by observing the plug-hole in her luxury bathtub and the hubcaps of her gleeming 4W-SUV. Yes, Ms Albrechtsen! It's easy to call people "climate change freaks" while peddling more untruth than a politician on the good side of Tony Abbott, while one lives in air-conditioning comfort at a cool 22 C all year around...

Believe me (I'm only a cartoonist though), Ms Albrechtsen, global warming is REAL...

There are many-many (too numerous to mention here) indicators of ice melting, of climate anomalies and seasonal variation that are not in line with "normal" climate fluctuations... And things are likely to get worse. So..., can humanity afford to wait for you, Ms Albrechtsen, to discover in your own time that your bathtub plughole might have been wrong — say, in five years from now? And would you be able to recognise the reality? I guess not...

No. We can't wait...

All governments around the world know the situation is MORE than serious. The main problem in Copenhagen is to allocate the damage bill for what's coming (some of it is alread there but the worse is still to come — and it's coming fast). The Europeans know too well that snow appears less often in winter and that glaciers are now retreating at velocity they could not even dream of, fifteen years ago, WHEN THEY STARTED TO DO SOME CARBON TRADING then... They also experience storms and flodding in areas previously untouched...

You say: "Fact number 3: In the 1970s, the sea level fell by about 20cm to its present level." Crap. CRAP! CRAP! I can clearly say crap. I believe Ms Albrechtsen gold-plated bathtub sprung a leak, unless her champer and designers beers on Melbourne Cup day were "too frappé" and froze her brains...

It has been my personal regular observations (monthly minimum for about 38 years — yes, I am a freak) that some of the tides (in Sydney) now reach higher levels than ever before (since my arrival in 1970). Not that I am an expert with precise instruments (I have a precise barometer though) at hand but, as a layman with a good eye for horizontals and verticals, I have observed  that more often than not these days at noon high tide, water is lapping (TOUCHING) the horizontal beams of some jetties that 30 years ago would never ever get wet (Note: these jetties were built in "them" days Ms Albrechtsen claims the sea levels were 20 cm higher) — except for rain. Her argument does not hold water, like her anti-clockwise bathtub... I believe that the smart tradesmen (no tradeswomen to speak of in "them" days) who ever built these jetties would have done so with the highest of tides in mind plus a good clearance (I would say 6 inches minimum — or was one foot regulation from the MSB?) so the horizontal beams would stay clear of water... Sure, one could argue that the jetties have "subsided", but here again, I can assure readers that my precise reference points tell me that's not the case. Anyway, subsidence of piers would not happen evenly over long distance. And these tradesmen knew how to pile iron-bark trunks upside down till the solid substrate was reached... (please note some of the tidal "records" on Pinchgut are not reliable)

I know of places in Europe (think also of the Thames barriers) where a few years ago tides during an unprecedented rogue storm (very low pressure) were higher than ever before because a) the storm was far stronger than ever recorded before and b) the tide, although a medium tide at the time, was higher by a few inches than normal... The result was a tidal surge of more than 4 metres above highest "king-tide" levels, in that region...  The flooding and damage were massive.

Then you state with brilliance: "Fact number 5 (and I am paraphrasing here): The notion presented by the President of the Maldives that his country will be flooded is bunkum."...

Bunkum? Says who? Whom is Ms Albrechtsen paraphrasing? Bumkum rather...

There has been a noticeable rise in sea level in some areas of the world. Talk to some of the Kiribati islanders...

In regard to her "fact1" I have no precise information to date, yet I suspect her information is suspect or misused, BUT I have information of huge sea level rising during the last big melt 12-10,000 years ago.

So Ms Albrechtsen, all I can say is carry on living in your ivory tower, where none of the rose petals lining your bed is upturned wrongly... Carry on enjoying your chammpaaagne and the spa bubbles in your luxury baaaathtub...

And please note, should the great unwashed be asking more questions about global warming does not mean that global warming is not happening. It may mean some poor people realising that attending to the real problem may cost money and as usual, them, the unwashed, will carry the can and pay for the damage, while the fancy rich-bums peddle that "it's not happening" since the air conditioning is permanently set at 22 C, while outside it's either 39.5 C or 23 C in the shade... So who cares?...

Some of us do care...
Although I will admit here, there's nothing much one can do, except take some serious action such as those that would cut the electricity supply to Ms Albrechtsen's air conditioning unit and demand her SUV be scrapped to be replaced by a second-hand bicycle... This, sooner than she thinks...